Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Plan to Rule the World Foiled...Again

It was a pleasant summer morning when Big Momma said to Gucci, the dairy cow. "Hey. Hey come here." She nodded her dehorned, wizened head to the giant leader of the pen next to hers. "Lookit, Cow. I can get you out. I have this hand." Big Momma stuck out her tongue to show off the Adam's Family like thing she kept hidden. "I got this from Violet. She smuggled it in when she moved to our place. The head goat at her old place had a spare and she figured it was a cool parting gift and all."

Gucci stared at Big Momma, perplexed, but listening with intent.

Big Momma went on. "So, here's the deal. I give you the hand. You get me outta here from the outside of the gate. Cool?"

Gucci flicked a fly from her ear and nodded in slow motion.

Big Momma pushed her mouth through the chain link fence and let the hand fall onto the cow side. It crawled around on its fingers for a while. Gucci retrieved the precious appendage.

But little did Big Momma know that cows are smarter than they look. Their placid demeanor and dazed eyes are all a farce.

Gucci spoke to her minions cow friends and told them of a new plan. They'd mowed the two acres of land their stupid well-meaning owner had allowed them access to. She wanted more. The neighbor's yard was tasty last time she'd been sent there to mow his yard with her second in command, aka: T-Bone-Mr.Sandwich-Texas-Baby-Cow. And her baby, Karma, was totally up for the expansion idea.

Gucci hid the hand in her mouth and carried it to the neighbor gate. There was no chain on the gate like the goats' pen. Gucci had used her hypnotic powers to convince her owner that she was incapable of cleverness and tricks like a goat on the first day she met her.

Far behind Gucci, the goats screamed in violent protest to no avail.

With a single backward glance at the ranch she called home, she opened her mouth, stuck out her tongue, and used the magic hand to open the gate. It was an empowering moment to have the use of the proverbial opposable thumb. Oh, the possibilities! Not only could she mow all the grass on her property, the neighbor's property, and the next property over, she had sniffed the air and figured out there was a swimming pool nearby. And mesquite bean pods. So many bean pods like little, tasty sugar cookies sprinkled all over the place. And they belonged to HER and her MINIONS!

Her entourage of loyal followers mooed as she led them to greener pastures. It was freedom, the ability to come and go as they pleased as long as they possessed the hand!

Then the neighbor man saw her. She ran, hoping he wouldn't notice a thousand pound jersey, a steer, and a wee jersey calf sneaking across his yard. He was a busy man. She knew he probably had better things to do. They hid next door.

They munched. They frolicked. They eyed the unfenced swimming pool with abandon, planning cannonball contests. This was the resort she'd longed for. And the hand had made it all possible!

Sadly, her owner got wind of her betrayal. She pulled up in her silver truck with a wide-eyed look of concern.

Gucci, fearful of being seen as anything but innocent, nodded at T-Bone-Mr.Sandwich-Texas-Baby-Cow. "It was him," she mooed. "All his idea. I tried to stop him! But you know how he doesn't listen and gets all stubborn."

Her owner hugged Gucci, forgiving her because she loved her the most. Because Gucci is awesome and adorable with those big, brown innocent eyes. Then she grabbed Gucci by the ear like a misbehaving child and led her to the corral of time-out shame.

The End.

But not quite.

The goats revolted  and went to reclaim the hand as soon as the owner left. The hand was clearly misused for evil when in the cows' keeping and they were not worthy of such a mystical key.

They bashed their loosely chained gate and escaped. And they took back the hand. And after that, they took the rest of the alfalfa and the whole bin of sweet feed. And for good measure they ate all the bits of hay that had fallen on the floor in the milking area. And they ate and ate until they felt like they would explode.

Then, when their owner returned for the evening chores, they smiled their goatly smiles, and donned their goatly halos. They followed their owner right back into their pen like they little angels they pretended they were. Just to show that the cows were really the evil ones.

The End.

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